She screams on the pain, I hear every word

Why don’t you know how beautiful you are?

~*~Michelle’s point of view~*~

I hated the waiting. I kept glancing at my cell, as if it was going to come alive and attack me. I kept thinking that any second, I’d have another text.

What was I going to do? He hadn’t appeared. Was that a good sign? I was hoping he only had my number, but not my actual whereabouts, but I knew that was probably wishful thinking, too.

Peter was doing this on purpose. He knew the waiting would be just as bad as when he finally showed up.

I kept thinking back to my apartment door being unlocked. I shuddered again. I was so careful. Always so careful. How could I have doubted myself?

“You actually planning on working any today?” Jack asked.

I swung around, heart hammering.

“What is your problem?” he looked at me as if I was crazy.

Maybe that wasn’t too far from the truth. “Nothing,” I muttered, returning my attention to the coffee shop.

I jumped again a few minutes later when my cell started to vibrate.

“You don’t need to be on your phone while you’re on the clock,” Jack reminded me of the rules, crossing his arms and using his most obnoxious voice. He must’ve really sucked up to the boss to get his job. His people skills were severely lacking.

I ignored him, taking a deep breath and opening my phone. I sighed. It was just AJ.

I shut it again. I didn’t know what to say to him. I was pretty sure he didn’t really buy my story and was wondering what was going on. But I didn’t want him to know about Peter. What did it say about me, to have had someone like that in my life? To have misjudged his character so much? To have run away from my problems? I was sure AJ would think less of me.

Part of me wanted to let Peter find me. Just to get it over with. It seemed to be inevitable. He’d said he’d never let me go. I thought I could be free, but maybe I was delusional. Until recently, I hadn’t really been living anyway. I’d had no one in my life.

His timing was impeccable. Just when things were changing.

When my break came, I stood outside, needing some air. I couldn’t help but keep glancing around. I stared at my cell phone and finally dialed AJ’s number.

I’d memorized it. How sad was I? I was getting worried about how much he meant to me. It rang several times, and I was about to flip my phone shut when he answered.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

There was an awkward silence.

“You working?”

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Me, too. We’re still trying to figure out an album name.”

“Any ideas?”

“Backstreet’s Back… Again!” he laughed.

“Hey, that was my idea!” Brian’s voice was in the background, then his laughter.

I smiled, already feeling a little better than I had been a moment ago. “Very original. I like it. Problem solved!”

“So… how you doing?” he asked. I couldn’t hear Brian laughing or the other guys talking anymore, so I assumed he’d stepped out of the studio for a moment. It was a loaded question.

“Good. Counting down the hours until I get off of work, of course. But my day is halfway done. The new manager starts officially today. I finished training him, so I get to get out of here a little early.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

But I could hear the disappointment in his voice. That is not what he’d been asking about, and we both knew it.

“Well, my break’s almost over,” I said, after a few seconds of silence.

Another few seconds passed. “Yeah, I guess I should get back in there. We’re calling it quits early today, too. Howie had some errands he wanted to run. And… well I think we need an afternoon off from trying to figure out this album.”

“A break is always good. You guys have been working hard.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “And Kevin’s impending visit is… I don’t know. I guess when, as a group, we think of him, it reminds us of the fighting going on during the last album. Which, I’m not saying is fair, but… that’s how it is right now.”

“Maybe him coming to see you guys will give you the closure you need,” I offered.

“He quit a year ago and moved back to Kentucky. I think that closure was crystal clear.”

I shook my head, which was futile over the phone. “Whenever you mention him, you keep saying that his absence is… present. Like it’s hanging over you guys. I mean, I’ve seen some of the arguments just the mention of his name causes. You aren’t going to be able to move on successfully as a new group if you don’t let that go. Let him go.”

After I said that, I let the words hit me. Maybe I wasn’t thinking about AJ’s problem anymore.

“Huh.” I could tell he was thinking over what I’d said. “Well, we’ll see how it goes when he’s in town. Anyways, I guess I should let you go. You’re going to be late getting back to work.”

“We can’t have that,” I said sarcastically.

He laughed, and we’d said good-bye to each other. I headed back inside.

I was still thinking about him as my shift was about to end. He was still opening up to me. About the album and Kevin, and I… I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t returning the favor.

I sighed. There didn’t seem to be a way for us to move forward unless I opened up to him about my past. I didn’t know how much of a future we could possibly have together. I’d been fair warned about the lifespan of a relationship with him.

But if, or when, it ended, it would be his choice. I didn’t want the failed relationship to be my fault. I didn’t want there to be a rift simply because I was hiding things from him. Peter was forcing himself into my present, where AJ was currently residing. AJ deserved to know what was going on. He could decide the rest from there.

As I left work, I took a deep breath and headed to the right. I’d never walked to the studio before, but I’d driven by it, in the good old car days, and knew where it was. It wasn’t a long walk. Hopefully, the guys hadn’t headed home already.

I surprisingly felt better having made this decision. I hadn’t regretted opening up to him at the grocery store. Maybe this would be a continuation of that. Maybe…

Well, it was stupid, but I remembered how save I felt in his arms. As impractical, and unrealistic as it was, I almost felt like he would be able to make everything okay.

And that wasn’t a small order.

As I approached the studio, I started to wonder if I’d thought this through. Not the telling him part, my mind was made up. But how was I going to find him in the building? I didn’t think security, and there was bound to be some, would let some girl walk in, claiming she knew the Backstreet Boys.

Even if I did get past the front desk, I didn’t know where they’d be inside. I had never been in the studio before.

I headed to the back parking lot, getting my cell phone out of my pocket. I was in the middle of dialing AJ’s number when I was about to round the corner. I heard his voice.

“Hey, sweetheart, how’ve you been?”

“Good.” I recognized that voice, too.

Cheryl.

“AJ, this is my friend, Melissa.”

“Hi, Melissa, nice to meet you.”

I kept walking, despite my better judgment. But I wanted to see this for myself.

“This is Nick,” AJ continued.

Nick was standing next to him and shook Melissa’s hand. It seemed like they were setting the two of them up. AJ and Nick’s backs were to me.

“You girls ready to go?” Nick asked. “We were thinking about a restaurant downtown.”

I’d been right. A double date. I just stood there, stupidly. I was so surprised, so taken off guard that it was taking the pain a moment to seep in. When I got my brain to start working again, I decided it was time to leave.

I turned as Cheryl looked up. Darn it, she recognized me, too. She’d been about to say something to AJ. He noticed her pause and followed her gaze.

“Oh.” His dark sunglasses couldn’t hide his surprised look. His eyes widened. “What are you doing here?”

“That’s a good question.” Nope, the pain still hadn’t set in. The anger was beating it to me.

He excused himself from the group, coming to stand in front of me. I folded my arms across my chest.

“I just didn’t realize you were coming by. We didn’t have plans.”

“No, we didn’t,” I agreed simply.

AJ stood there, obviously looking for what else to say. “We were just…”

“Going out on a date? I can see that. I’ll leave you to it.” I started to turn again, but he stepped in front of me.

“Why are you so mad? I mean…”

“We can see other people. We’re just dating casually. I know, AJ,” I said. “I can’t be mad.”

Well, I could be mad. Maybe he didn’t technically break any of the rules, but I could still be mad.

Welcome to the world of women, I thought. When you pissed one off, you were going to hear about it.

“So, you’re… not mad?” he asked, skeptically.

“I didn’t say I wasn’t mad. I was acknowledging the fact that I’m not… supposed to be.” Okay, that hadn’t come out right. In my head, it had been much cooler and in his face. In actuality, that was a rather pathetic comment.

“Uh…”

Yeah, that’s right AJ. You piss off a woman, you’re also just going to get confused. I didn’t have to make sense. I just had to vent my frustrations.

“Go have fun on your date.” We’d reached the fake sincerity part of the argument. “Sweetheart is waiting.” I smiled real big.

“And here comes the sarcasm…” he narrated. “Listen, just talk to me for a moment.”

“Funny, that’s what I came here to do,” I said, more to myself. “But I think I’m all talked out.” I turned to Nick, Cheryl, and Melissa and waved. “See you guys later!” I put the grin on my face again. With one last look at Cheryl (slut, I thought bitterly) and an angry glare at AJ, I stormed off.

I didn’t let the pain reach me until I was safely several blocks away.