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Author's Chapter Notes:
Added 1/4. My first update of 2010. I struggled with writing this chapter because I'm trying to figure out where I want this to go. Suggestions are welcome and appreciated. This one's kinda short, but here you go. :)

Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Berlin, Germany - 11:40 PM CET (Central European Time)

After about thirteen and one-half hours of flying, everyone made it to Europe safely without any problems. The Boys had just finished their first show on this leg of the Unbreakable Tour and were now on a three-hour bus ride to Hamburg, Germany for their next show on the 9th.

AJ thought that the Berlin show went great. He felt that he did fine besides feeling a bit winded a few times, but he attributed it to being the first show and that his lungs were still healing from his recent illnesses. Once he got back into the swing of things, he'd be back to normal.

AJ was in the back of the bus with Nick screwing around on their guitars.

"What's this one?" Nick asked. He started playing something and AJ had to guess what song it was.

"Uh...isn't that some Nirvana song?"

"Yeah...it's "Polly", duh."

"Well I'm not the Nirvana freak like you." AJ pushed him and started playing a song.

"That's "If You Could Only See" by Tonic. Didn't you do that song as Johnny No-Name back in the day?"

"Yeah...good times. You'll never guess this one," AJ teased.

Nick listened for a moment as he played. "You're right, dude, I have no idea what that is."

"That's because I've never played it for anyone before," AJ said.

"Is it part of a solo song?"

"Kinda, yeah."

Nick moved his guitar to the side and sat back. "Well, let's hear it, then. Lay it on me."

"Nah, it's not finished yet. Nevermind," AJ lied, hoping to change the subject.

"Bullshit. Might as well play it."

"It's for Kim, which is something you wouldn't understand."

"Awww...is Alex still in love with his wifey after all these years?" Nick teased.

"As a matter of fact, yes. I would cut the crap if you really wanna hear it so badly."

"Hear what?" Brian asked as he slid open the door and came in the room.

"A song Alex wrote for Kim," Nick chimed.

AJ rolled his eyes. "Thanks, buddy, I knew I could count on you."

"Naturally," he smirked back.

"No offense, guys, but I really want Kim to be the first one to hear it. Can't you respect that?"

"I guess," Nick pouted.

"I don't even know what's going on, so, I'm cool with that." Brian said. "Don't stay up too late, you two. Goodnight."


"G'night, Rok."

Brian left and slid the door closed behind him. AJ started to play his guitar again and sing softly.

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size

Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how dull her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

He shook his head. "Nah." AJ tried something else.

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well

I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary, won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done?
Mother Mary, won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done?

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over
And why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start this over this time...

"Alright, I'm gonna go to bed. You coming?" AJ asked as he put his guitar back in its case.

"Yeah, in a minute," Nick said.

"You good?" AJ wondered.


"Okay, goodnight."


He left the room and put his guitar underneath his bunk and got in.

After laying there for about fifteen minutes, AJ realized that he couldn't sleep. Kim was sleeping soundly next to him and Jordan's steady breathing could be heard in the bunk above him. Usually the humming of the bus would lull him to sleep, but that wasn't the case tonight. His mind was racing and he wished it would shut off. This happened from time to time and he hated it. Well, lately it had been occurring more often than not, unfortunately.

He sighed quietly. 'Just tell her, she'll understand.'

'It will eat you alive if you don't...do it while you still can...'

'She'll be more upset later if you don't come clean ASAP.'

'What are you so afraid of...?'

"Shut up, brain," AJ whispered into the darkness. 'I think too much for my own good sometimes.' He decided to get up and find a distraction or else he'd never sleep at this rate.

He got up quietly from the bunk and went to the middle of the bus where there was a small kitchen. AJ began searching through the cabinets when he stumbled upon a bottle on Tylenol PM. 'Perfect, just what I need.' he thought, satisfied.


AJ turned suddenly to see Kim awake, standing a few feet from him.

"Christ, Kim! Scare the crap outta me, why don't ya?" he hissed.

"Are you okay?" she asked, coming closer to him.

"Fine. Just, uh, couldn't sleep."

Kim noticed the bottle in AJ's hand. "What's that?"

"I don't know, wrong cabinet. Was looking for something to eat." He put the bottle back and began searching through the one next to it. 'God, I'm such a bad liar.'

Kim shook her head with a smirk. "Don't take too long, get some rest, okay? Love you." She walked to their bunk and climbed back in.

AJ made sure the coast was clear, then opened the cabinet back up and took the Tylenol into the bathroom and shut the door. He sat down on the toilet and read the directions in order to take a correct amount of the medication.

Adults and children 12 years and over: Take 2 caplets or geltabs at bedtime. Do not take more than 2 caplets or geltabs in 24 hours.

"Got it. This is just a one time thing, it's not like I'm gonna be doing this every night, right?" he asked himself.

He took two pills with some water and left the bathroom. He put the bottle back where he found it and went back to the bunk. AJ pulled the curtain back and settled in next to his wife who was already asleep again.

Within ten minutes he already felt sleepy. 'This is great, now I can finally catch some z's.'

AJ fell asleep soon after, hoping that he would truly rest for the first time in weeks.
Chapter End Notes:
Song Credits: "If You Could Only See" by Tonic and "Sober" by Tool.

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